Okay. Moving on. I had my day to cry it out, then yesterday I ate a bucket of frozen yogurt and went for a beach walk with a girlfriend. Noah and I had dinner with another friend who was visiting and we went to see the new Wes Anderson movie. Deliciousness, nature, good company, and distraction. That's my usual prescription for disappointment.
I think I'm doubly disappointed because Noah is going to be out of town for the few days I'll be ovulating this month. A missed month, a missed opportunity, almost seems unbearable. Then we will have one more shot (maybe two) before I start meds for the donated embryo. I keep reminding myself we have a plan and we will just stick to it.
Having a game plan helps keep me sane. Though I have learned some serious life lessons in being present and not being attached to anything in the future, having a game plan is a little different. Though plans often change, I think for us it helps to just stay the course. We know there are things we will just have to do. We can get completely lost in the doubt and statistics and chances of things, sometimes we just have to make a decision knowing this is the best choice we have at a given moment, and that we have to see it through before moving on. That helps us not regret anything.
We don't look back. We try not to dwell in our past narrative. We try not to let the fear and the 'what-ifs' rule our household. It's hard. I'm not going to lie, I feel the fear every day, but my fear is only that this embryo may not work. I'm not afraid of carrying a child or raising a child that isn't genetically either of ours. I'm just afraid that we go through all of this and it doesn't work. But that's the chance we take. That's the risk. That might happen. And when I can truly accept the uncertainties of life, maybe I can be a little less afraid. Maybe.
Happy Friday to my fellow IF Island residents. Sending strength and bravery for the journey ahead.