Ok. In all fairness. Momo doesn't hate naps. She just hates sleeping on a surface that isn't my chest. So I put her in the Baby K'Tan and wear her like a apron. All. Day. Long. Not all day, but for a lot of the day. And then I worry that I'm carrying her too much or that it might not be good for her hips or that it isn't good for her skin to be sleeping in the massive pool of sweat created between her face and my cleavage. What's going to happen when she goes back to work? And then I tell myself I won't be carrying her around like this when she's 18 years old, so it will somehow all get figured out.
Having faith that things will somehow get figured out is a really important thing to cultivate and to believe. So is trusting your instincts. I think when we are in a moment that is uncertain, there is sometimes this feeling of doubt that we will ever figure things out. I felt that way at times going through IF treatments-- when we didn't know what to do next, I sometimes felt like we were never going to figure out how to create a family. Then I became uncertain about my instincts and my decisions and it was all a hot mess. Sometimes, when I'm carrying Momo and pacing the neighborhood for the fourth time in a day, I think the same thing. Am I ever going to figure out how to get her to sleep somewhere else? It feels like the answer is no but the answer is very much yes. I have to remember I have good instincts and that somehow all will be okay. It will be okay, right? I have to get back to trusting my instincts and the first step in all that is putting all my parenting books aside (thank you to whoever suggested that!). It's information overload and at the end of the day, Momo is my kid and I'll screw things up how I want.
Momo is resilient, strong and healthy. She always has been. She was as a embryo and as a fetus (why does that word creep me out so much?) and now she is 13 lbs and 23 inches and has graduated to the next size up in diapers. Every day she is able to see the world more and is totally fascinated by everything. She is kind of obsessed with the heating/air conditioning vents that run along our ceiling. The light hits them in such a way that blows her mind and I think about how amazing it is to be experiencing life for the first time. Everything is amazing to her. A leaf waving in the wind. The annoying songs her horribly ugly play gym makes that make me want to take a hammer to it. The feeling of a super cozy blanket. It's all new and it's all amazing.
I wish we could all experience things in this way again. We can consciously try to. We can try to be mindful and we can try to take the time to be fully present and aware and appreciate all the beauty that surrounds us. I tried to do that often, especially in times of total despair. It was hard at times for sure. And now I try to do that with her-- to appreciate every moment. Time feels like it's moving so fast after years of moving so very slow.
Wishing everyone a good week ahead and hoping we can all find moments of beauty and awe.