I have two friends-- one a close friend, one a friend I've never actually met but know through the blog--who got the rug swept out from under them this week. Two very different situations but both made my eyes swell and my heart sink, and made me just feel pissed off and sad for them.
My one friend, who I know and love who has been my IVF soul sister, got a BFP after her first round of IVF. OK. Not her first first round, her first round for kid #2. She has been through many rounds and the last wonky embryo of her last crazy cycle resulted in her son. Because of her age and all the unknowns, she jumped right back into IVF for #2, and lo and behold she got a positive pee test "on the first try." She called me and said she couldn't actually believe it and that she felt like one of those people who get pregnant naturally on the first try. She almost seemed to feel a little guilty. I had to remind her that she did IVF and didn't get knocked up after a glass of wine and wild night. Eh hem. She went to the doctor to take her blood test the next day and beta #1 came in a little low. She had forgotten about the beta game. I reminded her that my first beta was 23 and we both crossed our fingers. Beta #2 went up but didn't double. After beta #3 the doc pulled the plug. Now she sits and awaits her first miscarriage.
My other friend, who I've never actually met, has been keeping me updated on her tortuous journey to parenthood. She's still working on #1 and has been through some seriously terrible shit. I can't even get into her saga but she's done many procedures and IVFs, she had a very late pregnancy loss and then finally got P again and had the beta game hell but then things turned around and she seemed to be sailing off the Island, yet again, and then she went in for her 14 week appointment and there was no heartbeat. She is such a nice, determined, bright person, and one of the most resilient people I've ever crossed paths with. And now she too awaits her miscarriage. No, I'm wrong. She's getting a D & C.
So here are these two incredible ladies who just want to make their family, and they keep getting teased and taunted. I don't know why this happens. It isn't fair and it isn't right, but it is the story of so many people. Multiple attempts, endless procedures, losses and confusion and sadness and frustration. Both of them, though, are getting right back up after being knocked down. But how do you find hope when you've been through this stuff? How do you endure the process over and over again knowing the same end result could happen? You just do. Partly because, perhaps, you don't know what else to do, but partly because in your heart you believe you'll find your family. You'll find your baby and somehow all of this...crap will be worth it.
It's hard not to be waiting for the other shoe to drop when it has so many times before. I get that. I've felt that. But I guess the shoe may drop regardless of what we think or believe so we might as well just believe things will be different, that things will go right. And often times they do, because eventually somethings gotta give, right? I hope so. For my two friends and for everyone else out there struggling so hard.