November has been a notoriously crappy month for Noah and I on IF Island. But this year, I must say, even though I can't travel with Noah for Thanksgiving (he's ditching me on Tuesday to spend the week in the Pacific Northwest with his fam) I have much to be thankful for.
November 2012 was the worst. We were in the middle of our first IVF cycle and couldn't travel so we decided to spend a few days in Palm Springs. We packed up by bag of meds and syringes, hit the doctor's office on the way down where we found out only two of my nine follicles were growing. We made a quick detour to the pharmacy to pick up a few thousand dollars of meds, as our cycle was extended a few days, and then we drove to the desert. Noah was silent, I was crying. The entire way. We ordered disgusting room service and literally had the worst Thanksgiving ever.
In November 2013, Noah and I were starting to lose our minds. On November 1, I posted video of our last FET with the batch of embryos made from my sister's egg donation cycle. I got my negative beta on November 8, and then we were utterly lost. My sister donating eggs to us was already plan D. Where to go from there? I tried my best to stay positive and convince myself that we would figure it out. But it was a rough time. We did end up going to visit Noah's family that year, and that was when I met with the clinic and first found Momo.
While Momo seemed like a potential light at the end of a very dark tunnel, Noah and I were still so broken and unsure. We were really going to shove some couple's left over donated embryo up me to try and make a baby? We went through the motions of the holidays as best we could and tried to convince ourselves that 2014 would be better.
And it has been. We broke our streak! This Thanksgiving, sadly, I'm going to miss the festivities at my In-laws--the rainy weather and the smell of warm apple cider. But this year I have Momo. She's 22 weeks as of yesterday. I can feel her a lot now and it's bizarre and amazing. I wake up at 3am starving and drink a glass of milk and imagine her little bones forming. The love and anticipation I feel outweighs any other annoyance or discomfort.
So what's my point? Even though years go by and the journey for some of us sometimes feels completely endless and discouraging, things really do change. Every new year since 2010, Noah and I have woken up and said, "This is going to be our year!" And we meant it. And we were dead wrong. We just sank deeper and deeper into the abyss, until now. But if you just say that every year, eventually you will be right, because nothing stays the same forever.
Sending lots of love to everyone this holiday week. I know it can be tough for many.